Stock photo; posed by model
Sexting is as common as an Essex accent, okay not that kind of common. According to McAfee more than half of Britons have sexted and saved explicit content on their phones. But just because everyone does it, doesn’t mean you should neglect sexting etiquette. It has become as much a part of the dating game as Tinder or ‘Netflix and chill’. Although who has actually asked someone to Netflix and chill and been taken seriously? Nevertheless, a stellar sexting game is a must in the modern world of hook-ups, and maybe more so when you’re in a long-term relationship (especially a long distance one). Here’s how to talk the talk and sex up your text.
Sexting ground rules
Emojis
The beloved icon family has let us express everything from craving a cheeseburger to extreme boredom. But does it have a place in sextual seduction? That, is up to you. If it works it works. But we find it tends to lower the tone slightly and one small mistake can be costly. If you’re not a confident texter, it’s best to use your words and leave imagery to the mind of your beholder. *aubergine*.
Intercept autocorrect
Your sexting escapades could lead you into rather raunchy situations, so make sure you don’t get caught up in the moment and let autocorrect kill the mood in a flurry of fails. Proofread your sexting before hitting send and you won’t regret it. Saying how much you want to ‘duck’ or eat some ‘purse’ doesn’t have the same effect.
Timing
You need to be able to read your receiver’s feelings towards kinky conversation. A well-timed sext can change your sex life for good, equally one out of turn can bring it to a swift end. And if she or he’s into you, in most cases they should be happy to receive it. It almost goes without saying, but don’t be up front and go full frontal if you haven’t met someone first or at least been on a date with them. Which leads us onto our next point..
No unsolicited dick pics
That’s right lads, we know the urge to show off your not-so little friend may be excruciating, but what will be more excruciating is the blunt faced rejection when she receives the equivalent of a dick pic happy slap. Even if you’re hung like a horse, that horse won’t fly. If you must share your camera roll start with your top half, then work your way down as you progress the relationship. And even if you’ve been dating a while, the classic dick and feet pose with your pants around your ankles isn’t exactly attractive. Just think about what is (it’s most likely something other than your willy).
Sexting Tips
Be in the mood – This is key to success if you want to make your Tinder chat last longer than a day. If you’re not in the mood, then you won’t feel it and neither will your match. Not in the mood = don’t sext. Simple.
Horniness is contagious – it’s a fact. Just like laughter, if it makes you feel good, it’s most likely gonna have the same effect on your penpal.
Nudes – Nude pictures have been passed between either sex for decades before the invention of the iPhone. Snapchat has just made it storable and shareable with those crafty screenshots. These days though, the likelihood is that the photo you send will be shared with at least one other person than the person you send it to, so make sure you trust them and make sure you look damn fine too. And if you’re gonna bare your skin then save your face and take a bodyshot, that way it can’t be easily identifiable if you’re worried about that. Everyone likes a full body shot, but if you don’t feel like going all the way at first then a saucy underwear snap could actually be more provocative. Sometimes it’s better to leave things to the imagination.
Mix up your media – There are a whole range of different media you can use to disrupt your sexting sidekick, from WhatsApp voice memos to Snapchat teasers and filthy Facebook messages. Catch them off guard with a cheeky sext while they are in a meeting, on their commute or at the gym. Arousing your opposition in a public place is sure to get their pulse racing and adds that art of surprise they won’t be expecting. It’s a wicked game and you’re looking to score points outside the bedroom to build as much tension before scoring a touchdown in it.
Tell them you touch yourself – We know, the idea of skipping past the sex and taking an orgasm into your own hands may seem counter intuitive, but telling someone you’ve “just cum thinking about them” is sure to get anyone hot under the collar. Expect them to drop everything and be on their way to your location like a missile with a homing device.
Humour is always a winner – So even if you’re only looking for a bone, don’t forget to tickle their funny bone first. A well-timed joke can be a relief especially if the conversation is getting slightly serious.
Sexting song lyrics
Now, dropping a little R. Kelly outta nowhere probably isn’t gonna end in a little bump n grind. But a carefully selected lyric can be a nice touch. Rappers and singers have been penning sexual sentences for centuries, and they’re the artists so take some inspiration. Here’s a handful of pillow talk pick-up lines:
J Cole – “I’ve been thinking how that body looks naked when you laying on the bed”
Miguel – “Tell me that, that pussy is mine”
Prince – “You just leave it all up to me, my love will be your food”.
Wale – “Tonight you shall reach a height that the sky won’t catch you, Let me redefine foreplay ’till you need five”
Beyoncé – “I’ll model sexy pictures right on top of you”
Drake – “I’m trying to make the goose bumps on your inner thigh show”
J Holiday “Wanna put my fingers through your hair, wrap me up in your legs, and love you till your eyes roll back”
Rick Ross “I’d love to make your toes curl as I’m lickin’ on your flesh”
Rihanna “I got a secret that I wanna show you. I got secrets imma drop ‘em to the floor”
After all a clever play on words may well end in playing with more than words. So whether you like it or not, and let’s face it most of us do. Sexting is here to stay. Get out there, get creative and have fun!
